Lessons I Learned From Having a Good Heart

Many people would consider having a big heart as one of the characteristics that they want in a partner. For them, it is one of the keys to lasting relationships. Like most people, I also believe that there is nothing that can go wrong with people who have so much love in their hearts to give. They are the rare gems in this world that we only get to meet once in our lifetime if we are lucky enough.

Fortunately and unfortunately, I am one of them. I almost blamed God for giving me a good heart that gives multiple chances to people even if they have proven that they no longer deserve it. I had my heart broken so many times for I only know how to love unconditionally. I gave a kind of love that one does not have to doubt and one would know that it is indeed love.

I believe that people still have goodness within themselves and sometimes, they only need second chances to make things right. I believe that you cannot change people and you can only love them. I believe in traditional kind of love. I still write love letters, put efforts in making someone feel special and fight for someone I truly love.

I almost hated myself for being a good person. Having a big heart gave me nothing but sleepless nights, buckets of tears and series of heartbreaks. I almost stopped loving someone again to protect my heart from another pain. I tried to close my heart and numb myself from feeling any kind of love. I put in all of my efforts to become a douchebag who is not capable of loving. I wanted to seek revenge as compensation for my bleeding heart. I wanted to hurt people who also hurt me and took me for granted. But I’m not a bad person and I don’t have the heart to hurt people.

I embraced myself and accepted the fact that there are people who would not know how to love me. It is not their fault and it is not my responsibility to teach them how to. I just stopped wasting my time with people who are just into playing mind games. I stopped chasing people who don’t want to be with me. I stopped begging for love, respect and attention. Life is too short to chase someone who does not want me.

I reserved my heart for someone better who will come along one day. I know that all the pain that I have experienced are not in vain. They were just challenges that I have to conquer. They were there to make me stronger and make me value myself even more. Being a good person does not mean being a doormat. I learned to dedicate my time to people who are worthy of my love and attention. I learned not to be somebody’s backup plan anymore. I learned how to say no when it’s already hurting me. I learned not only to love others but to love myself too. In one way or another, the universe will give us back everything that we give to others. Likewise, being a nice person does not cost anything.

Half a Year

I woke up this morning thinking of you. It has been 6 months since the day we broke up. I thought that I’m already okay, that I have moved on from you. But with just a thought of you, my heart is pounding loudly and my chest is expanding. I always go back to that day when I was crying in front of you.

I have a big ego but I begged you to choose me instead.

I am a happy and funny person but you were the only person who made me cry for countless times.

I am an intelligent person but I never found an answer to why you did not choose me.

I met a lot of guys. I liked this one guy but he has other women lined up. I am crying because of frustrations. If you did not leave me, we could have been happy together. We could have been growing in love instead of me looking for another guy to love. We could have been building our future together instead of rewriting my love story all over again. I could have been reading all the pages of the book of your life instead of choosing another book of someone’s life to read.

I never wanted to meet anybody else. I was contented with you and to spend the rest of my lifetime with you. I never wanted to love someone’s flaws and cherish someone’s good qualities but yours. I never wished to start all over again without you. I never wanted to hear someone’s stories, deepest thoughts, wildest dreams, fears and regrets but yours.

I just wanted to love every inch of you. I wanted to see you mad so I could calm you. I wanted to see you sad so I could make you happy. I wanted to see you cry so I could comfort you. I wanted to see you afraid so I could protect you. I have no other choice because you are the only choice. I will choose you over and over until you find no reason to leave me anymore. I will work hard to give you the finer things in life and to be deserving of you. I will be your rock when you’re down and I will sacrifice my own joys just to see you happy.

I’m still hurting but I cannot bring myself to hate you anymore. I don’t have the heart to hate you. I know that when I see you again, I still love you, always have and always will.

I wanted to reach out to you but I know that we cannot go back to the way we were. You created a large crater in my heart that no other guy could repair. I lost my ability to trust, to love deeply and to believe in love. I hate it when I meet different guys, get frustrated and at the end of the day, my heart and my thoughts always go back to you. I compare every guy to you and convince myself that I can never love someone that way again.

I have to let you go. I have to accept the fact that we can never be together. I just need time and hope that time could make me forget you or that I ever loved you.

To the Guy I Loved After My First Breakup

I met you online and I was not looking for anything serious. I just had my heart broken and my dreams shattered. I was looking for fun and making new friends. After the breakup, I was trying not to catch any feelings for someone new. I was running away from love and I was avoiding to have a romantic connection with any guy.

Until I met you. It all started when you messaged me one night when I was about to sleep. I never knew then that you would play a vital role in my life. I was convinced that time that no other man could replace my ex boyfriend. I have convinced myself that I will never love someone the same way again.

But you are funny, very smart, interesting, sweet and confident. You became my kryptonite and destroyed all my walls that I have built so high. You made me feel something beautiful that made me want to take another shot at love. You gave my heart a hope, that I can love more than one guy in this lifetime. You made me crave for you, care for you, wait for you and be vulnerable to you.

I started to sleep late at night just to talk to you. I had a big smile plastered on my face whenever I’m talking to you. Even my friends saw how happy I was with you. You really made me happy. I started to be vulnerable again and be kind to you. I never stopped thinking about you. I started to become possessive with you which only happens to the people I care about the most. I became obsessed to look good for you by working out everyday in the gym. I started listening to the music that you were listening to. You listened to my midnight thoughts and sad stories. You became my rock when I was weak. You let yourself be my rebound guy but I never treated you as one. You were patient with me when I was hurting and you received my sarcastic remarks without any complaints.

Who would not fall for a guy like you?

When you told me about your ex girlfriend who chose her career over a life with you, I was wishing that I was her. She was so lucky to have someone like you to propose to her. I was starting to fall for you and I was trying my best to hide my feelings for you. I gave you the freedom to talk to other women and pretended that it never bothered me. Even there were times when I was just playing it cool but I was crying myself to sleep again. I told you before that I like you, but you were not sensitive enough to care about my feelings. I never told you that I was falling for you. I did not want you to feel sorry for me. I did not want to fall again for someone who wants someone else. I really hope that you gave me a chance, even if I’m average looking to you. I wish that you did not make me feel that I was not pretty or good enough for you, that you have other women lined up and I was just an option.

If you happen to read this, I want to let you know that I was happy that I got to know you. You really made me happy and felt wanted. I hope that you will meet someone you are attracted to physically and can love you more than I have loved you. You deserve all the love and happiness in this world. I hope that she could really make you happy and see how special you are. I hope that you will realize that true love is not anchored on physical attributes. I hope that you will someday understand that physical beauty is not everything.

The Irony of Love

It is ironic how when we love someone so much we give our all and what we get in return is a broken heart. When we try to open our hearts to love again, we get more broken than ever. We gave our hearts to people who never loved us. We gave our best to the people who did not see our worth. We shared our deepest thoughts and wildest dreams to people who never intended to stay in our lives. We mapped our future with people who left us behind to pursue their dreams with someone else. We stayed faithful to people who chose someone else. We equated love with tears, sacrifices, pain, letting go and moving on. We are left with are lessons, painful memories and remaining pieces of our broken hearts.

When we put our hearts on our sleeves, we get played on. When we show someone how much we love him or her, we get taken for granted. When we remain faithful to someone, we get cheated on. Why can’t love be just simple? Why can’t we just teach our hearts when not to fall for someone so we don’t get hurt? Why can’t people be sincere, caring, loving, faithful and honest? Why do we have to love someone so much only to be hurt in return? Why love has to be equated to sleepless nights, tears, painful lessons and broken hearts? Why can’t we just get things right and let the first person we truly loved be the right one? Why some lessons have to be learned the hard way when all we did was to be the good people that we are?

Why can’t people’s hearts be like that of a child? Pure, sincere, loving, grateful, joyful and not deceiving. We bet with our hearts and we always lose in love games. We always try our luck in finding that person who could appreciate our worth and love us in return but we always end up losing. When are we going to find someone who matches our sincerity, loyalty, love and efforts? It is never fun to nurse a broken heart. It is not funny to fall for someone who loves someone else. It is never enjoying to cry ourselves to sleep every night. It is depressing that we question our worth and if there are people out there who are capable of loving us. It is sad that people are no longer believing in happy endings due to series of heartbreaks that they have experienced.

Once we get our hearts broken, we question the intentions of people who try to be part of our lives. We compare every person to the ones we truly loved and lost. We are afraid to take a leap of faith and give love another try. We avoid to have any kind of romantic connections with other people to guard our hearts. We don’t know how to trust someone again, how to love again and how to start all over again.

Why is it that good people are not given the chances in love even if they deserve it? Why is it that love is not like the sports wherein perseverance, efforts and sacrifices does not guarantee success? Why do we have to lose something good with the hope of finding something better? Why do we end relationships as if the years the couple spent together never mattered? Why do we choose someone we love so much instead of someone who loves us so much? Why do we need to love ourselves first before we can truly love someone?

This is Why I Let Go of You

Some say, if you want to destroy yourself, fall in love with someone deeply and watch him love someone else.

It has been more than a month since I wrote you a letter. I still think about you, I’m still mad about you, I still cry for you and I still love you.

I still look at your pictures. I still read your emails. I still miss you. I’m still looking for you in other people. I still care about you. I still cry over our broken dreams and promises. I still ask myself, “Where did I go wrong?” and “Why did he choose her over me?”

I drove myself crazy thinking about you, about us and what could have been us if only you have chosen me. I dreamt about you, kissing me and telling me how much you love me. I tried to stop myself from texting or calling you for so many times, no matter how much it hurts me. My dreams are still all about you, my letters are still all about you, and my thoughts are also still all about you.

I had to let go of you because I love you. I’m not asking you to choose me or choose the life with me. I gave you the chance to be loved by someone else, who could love you better, who could make you happier.

I tried to put all my efforts just to show how much I love you. I tried to change for you, made myself a better person so I could love you better, selflessly and deeply. I tried to change your mind, to give me one last chance to love you and your son enough, that it could last a lifetime. But all of it wasn’t enough, you decided to give your former lover the chance that I was hopelessly waiting for for more than a year.

I’m not a selfish person. I chose your happiness over mine. Here I am, deeply scarred, watching you choose someone else, watching you fall in love with someone else. I have to live with the pain, get through each day til I forget that I ever loved you. Maybe, I meant to be loved and found by someone better because that’s what I deserve. Maybe I met you to help you find the right woman for you.